Saturday, July 07, 2012

meditation

afternoon nap by lovelydesign



My little Reid is now 15 months old, and it has begun to occur to me that each day he is turning from a little baby into a little boy. He has begun walking and saying his first words. Loves getting down with his little boy business of zooming trucks all around the floor and moving dirt all around the yard. Charms all the ladies on the bus with his huge owl eyes and quick smiles. And he burps and then laughs hysterically at his cleverness.

Reid is changing more and more each day into a little... man!
This realisation - that my little Reid is more and more no longer going to be a little baby - it grips my heart with a swollen ache. For it is absolutely magical for me to witness this little person growing and showing me more and more of himself each day. Becoming who he's going to be.... this to me is magic.

But my heart is aching because somehow, someway, I need to be able to hold on to these days. To capture even just a little bit of Reid's baby sweetness... his softer-than-water skin and soft silken hair and sweet smelling breath and his gentle gazes deep into my eyes. It breaks my heart that I know that I can't somehow bottle up and keep just a little bit of his sweet baby self.

For Reid will grow up and away from me to become... what I hope with all of my heart he will become...  a gentle man.

- - - - -

But this ache in my heart - that my (most likely, last) baby is growing up and away... it is a good thing. It has reminded me that I want to - need to - do this better. It has reminded me stop focussing on all those hundreds of other little things - all of the daily chores and distractions - and to once again move slowly and consciously. To put my children in first place, and be their mama first. Once again, with all my heart.