Wednesday, October 29, 2008

torn

This past weekend I visited my storage space and brought home with me hundreds and hundreds of papers - I had forgotten just how many treasures I have stowed away! So this week I've been sorting, cutting, and organizing these large stacks of papers. They will become many many journey books soon, so if you have been waiting for one please let me know if you would like for me to make one just for you!

stacks by you.

I had forgotten how satisfying it is to me to sort and cut and stack these hundreds of pages. When I do get these few moments to myself in my workroom to simply do what I had done for years without even a second thought, it brings me such pleasure. I wake up each morning and know exactly what I want to be doing - to be in my workroom sorting and making.

Unfortunately, Adelaide does not approve of my desire to be doing anything but simply be with her. We've been struggling this week because of this - I feel the urge so strongly to create, but she just wants me to be all hers. 

These two forces are the strongest of my life: the longing to create and the urge to be a mother to my daughter. Being a mama and being creative mix incredibly well, and I am able to dream up all sorts of projects for Addie and I to do together. But lately too I've been feeling the urge to make my own things, so strongly I could just cry in frustration. There is, literally, just not enough hours in the day for them all. 

I feel so torn between the two things that I love and need the most in this world.

hanging out  by you.

33 comments:

Ez said...

As single mom I can completely empathize with you on this. It does get easier with time (I know everyone says this, and it's so annoying... but it's true). In years to come your daughter will look back and marvel at the wonderful, creative, and independent mommy she has. Hang in there and keep forging forward!
xox
Ez

Molly said...

These challenges are probably some of the most rewarding challenges you'll face in your life.

Also - pick me for the address file! PLEASE!

christine said...

I can only imagine what that tug must be like. I hope to know it first hand in the years to come, but until then, know that you are heard and understood. xo

betsy said...

Oh, you are singing my song! It really is a challenge to find that ever-changing balance. I know that I find great inspiration from experiencing the world through my children's eyes -- they ooze creativity and curiosity. But I struggle with finding the time to explore my own ideas and create, things that are so critical to my mental health and therefore to being a good mother! Ack!

Things that help: *always* carrying a sketchbook (and one each for the girls too!), trying to be really present in whatever we're doing, carving out real studio work time (this often happens early in the morning or late at night), and yoga and breathing exercises because none of it is easy.

Sending some peace and balance your way...

Lindsay said...

I can certainly relate to that. I'd love to be able to sit at the kitchen table and work on craft projects with my daughter (her on hers and mine on mine), but all she wants to do is eat her crayons and stick paint in her ears, so it's over before we get started.

Anonymous said...

Holy cats! Are you saying I can speak for one of these lovelies before you release them to the wild? Why I would LOVE to give you some of my money - then I would have a book and you would have lots of money for pretty pigtail accessories! Let me know at katrina >dot< faust >at< gmail >dot< com!

Annie I said...

You articulate this struggle so well! As a mom of 3 little ones, I really understand. I'm seeing the fruit of keeping the creative life alive in my 5-year-old, but I still battle between my two things I love most in my daily life with my two girls (2 1/2 and 9 months). Sometimes I stay up way too late just to get some time to create without the interruptions and the guilt...

Anonymous said...

While I can't relate to your post, I do know that it is something I think about regarding my future and the work/family balance. I am sure it is frustrating at times.

Also, I was thinking the other week that one of your journey books would be perfect for some stuff I wanted to get down on paper. So could you make one especially for me with a turquoise cover? pretty please!

Thanks, Sarah
sarah[dot]ward[at]shaw[dot]ca

joanna said...

totally understand...even when i do find some time when she naps, i don't have the energy to make things, despite the ideas in the mind. i think that is one of the most common problems moms who love to create/craft run into...*sigh*

Lovely Paper said...

oh goodness, that's heaven on earth. i look forward to see your new creations!

Casey said...

although I do not have children yet, I can totally relate to that feeling... will I have time to love my children, AND love creating?

I would love a journey book... can you put me down? caseybaudoin@hotmail.com thanks!

Judy Grubbs said...

I have been wanting a journey book forever. Please make me one

judygrubbs_632@hotmail.com

Thanks

cindy : quaint said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cindy : quaint said...

i'm sorry you're feeling torn in two. maybe you could work out some free time with charles, so you can recharge your creative batteries?

Kelly said...

I would love a journey book! Those stacks of paper are gorgeous, just as they are - but I'd love a bound version. :)

You can reach me at:
javagirlonline at verizon dot net

Julia Nelson said...

Hi there!
I love my pinecone poster, it makes me happy each and every day.

And I'd love a journey book - could you put me on the list for one of those treasures?

desireisis at gmail dot com

trace said...

oh, i so want to reiterate what ez and betsy have said. you will get the gift of time as your daughter gets older and remember you cannot add to the time you get to spend with her now. my girls are now 12 and 14 and they get to help with my projects now and especially come up with their own. it is a wonderful, beautiful journey you get to share with your children. i would love a journey book!

lori said...

i remember feeling the exact same way and feeling there was no way out of the situation. a friend of mine said to me one day, why don't you put her in daycare a couple days a week? it had never occurred to me before.

i did, and that time alone was so special and precious to me. like christmas every day. she learned to love her time away too. she made friends and did things with them that i would never do with her. like go to the zoo in abbotsford and the aquarium... all sorts of fun things. and we really had a new appreciation for our days together.

Lovely Paper said...

I feel like a jerk. I saw that paper and commented on how pretty it all looks and I didn't even regard reading your struggles. I am dealing with something very similar in life, although it doesn't have anything to do with a child. But I have told myself that with patience and trust, I will find myself creating again just how I want. You're such a great mom to put your little girl first, but you must remember that you need to take some time out for yourself too.

Marina said...

I'm lucky, when I need me-time (mostly to write or photograph) we co-ordinate our schedules and my man takes the little guy for quality-just-guys-time. Is there no-one who Addie loves to spend time with that can take her for a day a week or something, while you get to create? I'm also considering the daycare solution that Lori mentioned, above.

I've been waiting and hoping for your shop to be restocked eventually - so I'll definitely be purchasing a journey book (too often the good writing comes to me when I'm nowhere near a computer)!

Breezy Babies said...

I know how hard it is to carve out time for my own creativity, But I have to. I can't function with out it. Don't feel guilty for wanting a few good moments of crafting. It is important for Mama to do something for herself sometimes. Soon she will be big enough so she can do her own crafting while you do yours. While I sew I give my kids scraps of fabric to play with or unwanted paper to tear and put in side containers or boxes. Often times they are still playing when I am done doing my own craft and I can join them again! I am a Mom of 4 and I sew diapers that I sell on etsy at home, but I also love to do creative sewing as well, because I will get burnt out if all I sew are diapers!

Melissa of {craftgasm} said...

While I don't have a little one at home, I can relate to not having enough time to create what you want to without being pulled in seven different directions. I have a fair coming up in two weeks and only a smattering of my stuff is ready for it, but I've got no personal time to get as much done as I will want. I'll likely have a couple of all-nighters in my near future. Ugh, I thought I was done with those after I finished with college.

I would love to be able to reserve a journey book from you, espesh if it has a variety of colored and graph papers like some of those appear to be. (With all the requests, will you even have any available for the site?) I can be reached at craftgasm at gmail dot com. Thank you for offering 'em up to your readers first!

amandajean said...

good luck finding balance. I have 3 little ones at home, so I feel your pain. I really do. those paper stacks are so lovely.

Luuvely said...

like all the other mothers have said..i can totally identify..but you have to do both..you have to find the time for both...at my house my son knows and has known since about the age of two..quiet time..is mommie's time...and ive always been able to create whatever i dreamed..{even if i was only given 20 minutes ;)}...you have to give yourself an outlet...its not only good for yourself..but like a few others have said..its going to show her that you loved her enough to love yourself...

when mommie is happy..EVERYONE IS HAPPY!

the dipe squad said...

Please sign me up for one of your lovely journey books (blitzpampers@gmail.com)!

Do I ever hear you over the battle between little ones and yourself! I have two girls, one 3 and the other 8 months. They both want 110% of my time and energy to themselves, leaving me -220% for me as a starting point. Sometimes I get frustrated to tears, but I know in my heart that this time with them is time I will never get back. Your precious Adelaide is so blessed to have your focus. You will find time for you (that's my hope for me as well!). Best wishes!

Barb F (Australia) said...

I have a little one born around the same time as Addie. It's a constant struggle, being a full-time Mum and finding enough time to yourself to feel like your are still your own person in some way. I think it would almost be easier to return to paid employment, just so you could get some 'me' time.....but like others have said, this time with our little ones is so precious and it's something you can never get back or make up for. Don't you also find that time is going so fast? Isobel will be two in February, it's just crazy!

Anyway, as Addie gets older and more independant, I hope you find some very precious time to create and be yourself just on your own, for a little while at least.

twirlingvixen said...

Aw, I have been waiting to buy a journey book forever! I'm happy they'll be available soon. . .please post when you have them up for sale!!
& your daughter is adorable, and I can see why you have such conflicting feelings about dividing your time. But--you have your whole life to create, and not long before she wants to do things on her own too.

jodi said...

You must read "the divided heart - art & motherhood" by rachel powers ... she has interviewed 20 australian mothers who are also artists and they talk candidly about the struggles between their two passions. I know you will love it and no doubt it will offer you some comfort in your own journey. Yes, please...I'd love to buy one of your journey books...should I email you with my details?

lotusgrl said...

Hi there, i would love to have one of your journey book, but do you ship international? I'm in Malaysia.

p/s You have a very beautiful daughter.

xoxo.

Cathay Bi said...

I'd love a Journey Book! Actually I was planning Christmas gifts and already checking your website in hopes of new products... I expect you won't have journey books ready by Christmas, but even so. It's always good to check. :)

Thanks!
Cathay

gul said...

I think you are an amazingly
creative person and a wonderful mama! :o)

rachie said...

i would LOVE a journey book!

i first bought some of your work a couple of years ago (...it must be) and i check back every so often in the hope that you have made some more. i like the journey books especially- my boyfriend is away a lot so most of your stuff i've bought as gifts to him and it's so nice to have integrated envelopes.

please let me know what cover colour options there are at present and i'll bite your hand off :D. i'd also take another 'i miss you' mail set as i've noticed that there might still be some in stock?

thanks in advance!
rachael
xxxx

monaka said...

maybe giving addie to daycare for a day or two (or just a couple of hours) during a week is not a bad idea? i know that you may feel heartbroken to do it but by doing that she will also discover the world from different perspective.

i'd love to order the journey book to fill in with my memories while travelling. my email is mlaine at gmail.com