I guess its safe to say that I've been going through a bit of an identity crises the past little while. I was hesitant on whether or not to say anything, but at the end of this month my lease is up at my little studio space. I had decided to give it up months ago, never realising that it would mean so much to me when the time came. I suppose that if I really wanted to, I could keep the space, but it would be simply silly to do so as I really don't need it now that I'm a full-time mom.
And I really really want to be a full-time mom more than anything, even more than having my little lovelydesign company. Even though my little lovelydesign is like my first baby - it is what I poured all my dreams and love into. And it became who I am.
I've been hearing a little clock ticking as these things have been bobbing around in my head for the past few weeks and I'm scared. The truth is, that without my lovelydesign I kind of don't know who I am anymore. I get this anxiety that people won't be interested in me if I don't have it anymore. Which is the real reason that I keep making a few things here or there - even though I'm so incredibly busy with everything else. Of course, I also get a lot of joy from creating and making things for wonderful people, and it's also nice to have a little bit of pocket money that I've earned myself. But for the most part I still do this because I am scared of losing all of who I was.
But I'm tired. I feel really overwhelmed and lately I've been feeling uneasy that in my distractions I haven't been the mama that I really want to be..
This thing - motherhood - is a crazy thing. It has twisted me inside out and back again with hopes and fears and the most intense crazy love I will ever experience.
When I was a little girl I looked up at my mama like she was the wisest, strongest soul on earth - I never doubted her. Now I wonder if Addie will look up at me this way - never suspecting that I feel lost and confused sometimes? And I wonder if all mamas feel lost sometimes, too?
To our little ones, we are simply mamas. And it is a truly marvelous thing to be - even though so many people just don't seem to think so! I just want... to be able to evolve into the next part of my life more gracefully, and to be able to find the right combination of me and mama.
18 hours ago