I guess its safe to say that I've been going through a bit of an identity crises the past little while. I was hesitant on whether or not to say anything, but at the end of this month my lease is up at my little studio space. I had decided to give it up months ago, never realising that it would mean so much to me when the time came. I suppose that if I really wanted to, I could keep the space, but it would be simply silly to do so as I really don't need it now that I'm a full-time mom.
And I really really want to be a full-time mom more than anything, even more than having my little lovelydesign company. Even though my little lovelydesign is like my first baby - it is what I poured all my dreams and love into. And it became who I am.
I've been hearing a little clock ticking as these things have been bobbing around in my head for the past few weeks and I'm scared. The truth is, that without my lovelydesign I kind of don't know who I am anymore. I get this anxiety that people won't be interested in me if I don't have it anymore. Which is the real reason that I keep making a few things here or there - even though I'm so incredibly busy with everything else. Of course, I also get a lot of joy from creating and making things for wonderful people, and it's also nice to have a little bit of pocket money that I've earned myself. But for the most part I still do this because I am scared of losing all of who I was.
But I'm tired. I feel really overwhelmed and lately I've been feeling uneasy that in my distractions I haven't been the mama that I really want to be..
This thing - motherhood - is a crazy thing. It has twisted me inside out and back again with hopes and fears and the most intense crazy love I will ever experience.
When I was a little girl I looked up at my mama like she was the wisest, strongest soul on earth - I never doubted her. Now I wonder if Addie will look up at me this way - never suspecting that I feel lost and confused sometimes? And I wonder if all mamas feel lost sometimes, too?
To our little ones, we are simply mamas. And it is a truly marvelous thing to be - even though so many people just don't seem to think so! I just want... to be able to evolve into the next part of my life more gracefully, and to be able to find the right combination of me and mama.